30 Day Cleanse

It's been awhile since we been here but I figured WTH! I might as well do some writing this weekend while I'm house sitting and my mind is all over the place.

So I'm doing a 30 day cleanse and when I tell yall that this has me like WOOOOOOOOHHHHHH already!!!! My emotions are up and down all day every day. I feel like I'm coming down off a high I have had for years and I finally decided to go to rehab to get me right! LOL...

So my 30 days consist of me not drinking, no eating out, and fasting (dieting really). I started it at the wrong time but thats typical of me however, I prayed and it was best I started it immediately. But yall know Im already counting the days until I can have my next drink. LOL... (rehab sucks) Sounds like an alcoholic don't it?! .... So anywayz, when God presented me with this cleanse I had hesitated but after a few days and prayer I decided that if God gave it to me, it was what was best for me. So I started it this week.

Ya know, right before school let out, I started drinking more than my usual and I think it was to numb the pain but the reality of it was the pain still existed. I was/am dealing with a lot mentally that some I have no control over but me being me, I let it get the best of me. I am not good at managing stress these days. But going back into the gym I think Im getting better. But on with my story....
We all know I love my mommy! She is my Queen and I would hate to lose her so I do what I need to do to and more to keep her happy. My mom has been off work since March 2nd and she won't be returning anytime time soon since they put in her medical records that she has mini strokes. I think honestly, Metro is trying to get rid of her but my mom would never open up and say that. But nonetheless, I stress because of her health. I want my mom to do so much better for herself and she will for so long but after while she always goes back to do what hurts her. I stress over my situation at home because my mom's health scares me. I know I shouldn't think about it but with her health up and down a lot more lately I find myself feeling like I have to prepare for what will be the inevitable one day. I also stress because her income is what really keeps a roof over our heads and up until two weeks ago, she had not had any income coming in at all. So yall know the bills are crazy around the house. The good thing that keeps us going is that I had savings from my income tax that helped us for a short time (all gone now) and my unemployment which helps where it can, my brother is working full time so he helps out tremendously and my uncle moved in so he helps where he can. But either way,  I still stress because I can not do as much in my household as I would like to do. But I know there is nothing more I can do about this. I am searching for employment like crazy. I have even been to temp agencies for temp jobs. But at the end of the day when the calls are not coming in it makes you wonder and it stresses you out more and more. I just want to at least be able to take care of myself at the end of the day.

Then there's my situation is Kwan (as my aunt calls him jokingly).  I care about this man so much and because of that I am 50/50 with him right now. I want to give him space and let him work on things he needs to work on (because honestly I have more important things that I need to get together myself) but I also want to stick this thing out and know that in the future we will have a great relationship. NONETHELESS, my BIGGEST problem is JUDGEMENT. I don't want to later hear the "I told you so" or get judge for being with someone that has bullshit to deal with already and we aint even been at this for a year. IDK why this is hard for me to just LET GO. I don't feel like I need to be in a relationship to be honest but I do think I need a friend for those "needy" times. Ya know, jut somebody to chill with from time to time. IDK... Either way, this ish gets on my nervous. And I want it to come to what it is going to be so we can move with or without each other.

Lastly there's me! A 27 year old that struggles with herself, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I do because I am almost 30 without my own place (really bothers me because I miss having my own space),  no job, bad credit, etc. etc. etc. .... Yall I just miss having my own place. I miss being able to walk around any way I want when I want, clean my house when I want, not have to hear my name being called all day every day, etc. I mean staying with my mom, brother, and uncle is TOO MUCH most times. There are a lot of days, I just want to sleep in but that never happens. My mom gets bored so she calls my phone or yells upstairs just to say, "what you doing?" My brother gets out of bed and comes around the hall to see if Im still sleep every morning before he goes downstairs... LOL... And my uncle who is so calm and cool until my mom gets him started then the house is LOUD as EVER! And all I want is SOME PEACE AND QUIET! Then  there are my days, I feel like company but with the area I live in I have accepted that ppl won't visit and besides that I live with my mom and I want my friends to feel comfy with they come visit. I don't want them to feel like they gotta watch they mouth because my mama is in the next room. I want them to visit and it be MI CASA SUE HOUSE. LOL... Then the job thing. I know I can't do much besides apply and wait but hell when are the phone calls coming. I know I prayed and talked to God about this but Im just wondering when does my opportunity come. What am I missing? How patient should a girl be? I just need a job! I want to work on getting my own place, getting my credit together, not telling my girls and other friends, naw I can't do something because I ain't go no funds, go on trips. I want to enjoy the life I have and we all know you cant do that with no money. I want to be able to treat my girls to stuff some times. I just want to be able to do. Not all the time but at least 75% of it. Yall I can continue on and on with myself but I know yall get the point.

So at the end of it all, the 30 day cleanse to help me work on ME! I have to do better with my budgetting and things. I have to get back to my happy place mentally, physicially, emotionally, and spiritually. I need to know my limits to things so that I can save for moving, going out, shopping, going on vacations, etc. I need to teach myself how to save again and be able to tell myself no when I know there is food at home to eat and I don't always NEED that drink. WANTING it is different and I have to be able to say no when I WANT it.

But ladies this also doesn't mean I want time away from yall! I NEED that time with yall!!! Yall keep my laughing and together to be honest! Part of the reason why I am doing the things I do and I am who I am is because yall have gotten me to a better place. So PLEASE don't feel like you shouldn't invite me because I am not eating out or drinking. I will eat before I leave the house (LOL) and I will drink water or juice when we are out and still have an AWESOME time with yall. Just look at this way, I can be the designated driver! LOL... I love me some yall!!! I hope to see yall soon!


Yall be cool how yall be cool!
Kelly